I’ve been wondering about whether or not to write this post, and have finally decided that I should write it because it’s always been important to me that my readers know I’m a real person.
I’ll tell you why I’ve been noticably absent from the site and not sending newsletters for the last six months, and what’s coming next. Hopefully you’ll stay around for that bit.
Anyhoo – here’s the thing. Some of you know I separated from my husband in May 2011, after 31 years of marriage. It was amicable enough as these things go, we’d talk as needed with no anger or animosity, no rush to get into a property settlement, I was renting in the City and he stayed in the house in the country, where his office was based since he’d worked for himself for 20 years.
In January he was involved in a fatal traffic accident on the highway, he was killed instantly.
Needless to say it was a shock, and it’s been hugely complicated: it fell to me (with support from our wonderful daughters) to shut down his company, deal with his clients, 20 years of business records, taxes, legal affairs, insurances and so on. And deal with my grief – turns out there was a part of me holding out hope that he’d finally find the courage to deal with the fractured-family-crappy-childhood stuff that gave him reason to drink himself senseless every night and be verbally and emotionally abusive, so that our life together would finally work out (though I also knew it never would, and that’s why I finally left after years of threatening to do it) – and also work through the grief of our daughters and family.
I’ve looked after myself quite well I think, having regular acupuncture to deal with the effects of grief and stress on my body, taking the custom-blended mixture that my acupuncturist calls my ‘no cry’ herbs three times a day, and having regular counselling. Some days I’d only eat if it was takeaway. And after about six weeks I decided to get a job, because it was clear to me that I’d not be going back to counselling in the foreseeable future; I didn’t have the wherewithal to support myself emotionally, let alone anyone else and you know, mortgage, rent, food, bills….
So I found a contract in the government, doing my old job of working online, this time reviewing and reworking a vast intranet site. That contract ends at the end of June, and I’m really grateful to have had it. It’s not been difficult but it has been complex and required my full attention, and it’s given me a reason to get out of bed every day instead of lying staring at the wall. And I’ve known exactly what I’ve doing every day, no energy required for decisions about how to grow my business next.
But, I’ve worked for myself for so many years that it’s been a challenge to work within a highly structured environment, wait for mulitple levels of approvals to do simple things, and have to wear a ‘no’ when I’m used to the test-and-measure approach.
That said, I’ve really enjoyed the job and the wonderful people I’ve worked with.
What’s next? Right now, I’m thinking I’ll take a couple of months to focus back here, maybe run another Body Image Revolution series (maybe I have enough energy, time will tell), and see if I can get back to the point where this work pays the mortgage and the bills; it’s my passion and my preference.
Time will tell.
And I’m also aware that it’s only been six months; grief does strange things like throw you back to the beginning of the cycle one day after feeling just fine. Mostly I’m intending to be patient with myself, live simply, treat myself kindly, and see what comes next. And hopefully do a bit of blogging and get to know you all again.
Hi, how are you doing? 🙂